it doesn't end with death

i keep on telling myself everything will turn up alright. but, honestly, i'm not sure anymore that's really true. i had it easy so far, but i keep wondering the rollercoaster i'm riding is in its plateau. stopped. on the verge of the steepest plunge ahead. and i don't know if i can cope with it anymore. i don't want to go downhill again. i've had that a long time ago. i hated the way i felt. i hated myself for thinking that way. i can still see the regret whenever i look in the mirror. it's the weight in my shoulders, breaking my back. and we've never talked about it. they say i was young, i didn't know any better. but i think i should have known. i can never apologize. i can never take it back. worst of all, i can never forgive myself.