if you're watching, this is my calling

i know i disappointed you. i can almost taste it in my veins. i can hear it in every heartbeat. life shouldn't have gone so quickly. life shouldn't have taken us apart. i have forsaken you in my quest for something i'm not completely aware of. you whisper in my brain all the time, raising more doubts with every sentence. you're right. i should be doing what i love. i know i'm loving what i do. but am i really doing what i love? i try to convince myself that fate is a myth. am i doomed to constantly look for something else? eternally restless? like a modern sisyphus with the rock inside me. i won't live forever. i'll leave the rock unturned one day. and that day the soill will start tumbling down over me. you're my witness. i tried to reconcile the opposing factions in my head. i even came up with a tentative explanation for your existence. i desperately try to believe. but the signs are few and far between. my soul is not blind. it's just trying to figure out which way to look...